Learning to Be the Main Character in My Own Life

I have spent an embarrassing amount of time looking at other people's lives through a screen and wondering why mine doesn't look like theirs. Engagement photos. Anniversary dinners. Birthday surprises. Weekend trips. Friends graduating, starting new jobs, moving away, getting into relationships, and getting engaged. I can scroll through social media for ten minutes and somehow convince myself that everyone else is living this exciting life while I am just watching from the outside.

The funny thing is, I am genuinely happy for the people in my life. When my friends accomplish something, I want to celebrate with them. When someone gets engaged, I am excited for them. When someone gets a new job, I want to hear all about it. But sometimes, after the congratulations and the pictures and the excitement, I find myself thinking, "Okay, but when does it happen for me?"

For a long time, I thought I was waiting for a relationship. I imagined that having someone would make my life feel more exciting. I would have someone to text throughout the day, someone to make plans with, someone to call when something happened, and someone who would make an ordinary Tuesday feel a little less ordinary. I thought maybe once I had that person, I would finally feel like I was experiencing the kind of life I kept seeing other people have.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I wasn't just waiting for a relationship. I was waiting for something outside of myself to make me feel like my life was worth being excited about.

And that realization was hard to admit.

I started noticing how often I put things on hold because I didn't have someone to do them with. I would think about going somewhere but decide I would rather go when a friend was available. I would want to try something new but convince myself that it would be more fun with someone else. I would look at other people's pictures and think about how much better my life would feel if I had the things they had.

Without realizing it, I had become a spectator in my own life.

I was paying so much attention to what everyone else was doing that I wasn't paying enough attention to what I was doing.

I think that's one of the strange things about being an empathetic person. I naturally care about how other people are feeling. I celebrate their accomplishments. I listen to their problems. I make room for them. But sometimes I can get so caught up in everyone else's lives that I forget to make room for my own.

I started asking myself a question that I didn't really want to answer: What would my life look like if I stopped waiting for someone else to make it exciting?

At first, I didn't have a great answer.

I think part of me believed that doing things alone meant I was lonely. But I'm learning that those aren't always the same thing. There is a difference between being alone and feeling like something is missing. There is a difference between wanting someone to share your life with and believing that your life isn't worth living until they arrive.

I can still want love. I can still want a relationship and hope that one day I meet someone who loves me and wants to build a life with me. I don't have to pretend that I don't want those things just to prove that I am independent.

I just don't want to wait for them anymore.

I want to be able to make plans because I want to make them. I want to go places because I'm interested in going. I want to write because I love writing, even when nobody is reading. I want to build friendships because I value the people in my life, not because I need them to make me feel like I belong.

I want to actually experience my life instead of constantly thinking about what could make it better.

As a writer, I think it's funny that this is something I have had to learn.

I spend so much of my time creating characters and giving them lives. I give them goals, personalities, problems, love interests, and obstacles. I decide what they want and then I make them work for it. I let them make mistakes. I let them start over. I let them have bad days without deciding that their entire story is a failure.

I would never look at one of my characters and tell her that her life isn't worth living because she hasn't found love yet. I would never tell her that she has to wait until everything falls into place before she can enjoy her story.

Yet somehow, I had been doing that to myself.

I was waiting for the next chapter instead of paying attention to the one I was already in.

Maybe being the main character in my own life doesn't mean that everything has to revolve around me. It doesn't mean I need everyone's attention or that I should stop caring about other people. It means I have to start caring about myself with the same intentionality that I care about everyone else.

It means taking my own dreams seriously.

It means allowing myself to enjoy my life even when it doesn't look impressive from the outside.

It means realizing that an ordinary day can still be a good day.

And maybe most importantly, it means understanding that I don't need someone else to choose me before I start choosing myself.

I am still learning how to do this.

There are still times when I scroll through social media and compare my life to someone else's. There are still days when I wish I had someone beside me. There are still moments when I wonder if I'm doing enough or if my life should look different by now.

But I'm trying to catch myself when I start thinking that way.

Instead of asking, "Why don't I have what they have?" I'm trying to ask, "What do I want my life to look like?"

Instead of waiting to be invited, I'm learning to make my own plans.

Instead of waiting for someone to make me feel special, I'm learning how to make my own life feel special.

Instead of watching everyone else's story, I'm finally paying attention to mine.

I used to think being the main character meant having an exciting life that other people would want to watch.

Now I think it means something much simpler.

It means being present for your own life.

It means noticing the little things. The morning coffee. The song you can't stop playing. The random conversation that makes you laugh. The quiet nights when you're alone but actually okay with it. The goals you're working toward even though nobody else knows how much they mean to you.

My life may not look like the lives I see on my phone, and maybe it isn't supposed to.

I am not waiting for someone to come along and make my story worth telling anymore.

I'm learning how to say it myself.