Something about the end of the year always makes me reflective. Maybe it's the colder weather, the holiday decorations, or the realization that another twelve months have somehow passed. Or maybe it's because my birthday falls in January, which means that right around the time everyone is making New Year's resolutions and talking about fresh starts, I'm also preparing to celebrate another year of my life.
Twenty-three is right around the corner.
And I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that.
I remember turning 22 and thinking about all the things I wanted this year to be. I had goals I wanted to accomplish, habits I wanted to build, places I wanted to go, and a version of myself I was hoping to become. I thought about what I wanted to change and what I hoped would finally fall into place. I had a picture in my head of what my life might look like by my next birthday.
Some things happened. Some things didn't. Some plans changed completely, and others are still sitting somewhere on my mental to-do list.
And somewhere in the middle of all of it, I grew.
Not necessarily in the ways I expected. I didn't suddenly wake up one morning with everything figured out. I didn't accomplish every goal I wrote down or become the person I thought I would be by now. But I learned things about myself that I probably wouldn't have learned if everything had gone according to plan.
I learned that growing up is a lot less glamorous than I imagined. Sometimes it looks like making difficult decisions, accepting that certain friendships are changing, trying again after a disappointing day, and figuring out how to be happy with your life while still wanting more for yourself.
Sometimes it looks like realizing that you're not where you thought you would be, but you're also not where you used to be.
And maybe that's something worth celebrating, too.
Twenty-Two Wasn't What I Expected
If I could describe being 22 in one word, I think it would be transition.
It felt like a year of being somewhere in between. Somewhere between the person I used to be and the person I'm trying to become. Between wanting to have everything figured out and slowly realizing that I probably won't for a while. Between wanting to hold onto certain parts of my life and understanding that some things are going to change whether I'm ready for them or not.
I think one of the strangest parts of your twenties is realizing that everyone is moving through life at a different pace. Some of your friends are graduating, starting careers, moving into new places, getting engaged, or entering completely new stages of their lives. Other people are changing directions, going back to school, figuring out their finances, or simply trying to make it through the week.
And then there's you.
You're trying to figure out what you want your life to look like. You're making plans, changing those plans, second-guessing yourself, and occasionally wondering if everyone else received instructions that somehow got lost in your email.
I've had moments this year when I've felt incredibly proud of myself, and other moments when I've wondered if I'm doing enough. I've compared my progress to other people's accomplishments. I've questioned whether I'm making the right decisions. I've thought about where I imagined I would be at this age and wondered how I ended up somewhere a little different.
But I think I'm beginning to understand that a year doesn't have to be filled with major milestones to matter.
Some of the most important things that happened this year probably wouldn't look very impressive on a list of accomplishments. Maybe they were small decisions. Maybe they were moments when I finally spoke up for myself, tried something I was nervous about, or decided not to keep putting energy into something that wasn't making me happy.
Maybe some of the biggest changes happened quietly.
I'm Not the Same Person I Was at the Beginning of the Year
I wish I could sit down with the version of myself who was entering 22 and tell her a few things.
I'd tell her that not everything is going to happen when she wants it to. Some things will take longer than she expects, and some things won't happen at all. There will be moments when she feels behind, moments when she questions herself, and moments when she wishes she could skip ahead to a part of life where everything feels a little more settled.
I'd also tell her that she needs to stop being so hard on herself.
She doesn't have to turn every mistake into a reason to doubt herself. She doesn't have to have the perfect response to every situation. She doesn't have to know exactly what she wants to do with the rest of her life before she can start building something meaningful.
And I'd remind her to enjoy things while they're happening.
I think sometimes we're so focused on getting through a season that we forget we're actually living in it. We spend so much time thinking about what comes next that we don't give ourselves enough opportunities to appreciate what's happening right now.
I know I've done that.
I've spent time wishing I was further along, wishing certain things were different, and imagining how much better life might feel once I reached the next milestone. But I don't want to look back on 22 and only remember the things I was waiting for.
I want to remember the things that actually happened.
The conversations. The laughter. The unexpected moments. The days that didn't go according to plan. The ideas that turned into something bigger than I expected. The times I surprised myself. The moments when I realized I was handling something differently than I would have a year ago.
Because even if I don't always recognize it, I am changing.
And I think that's one of the most beautiful and uncomfortable parts of growing up. You don't always notice yourself becoming a different person until you look back and realize certain things don't affect you the same way anymore. You start wanting different things. You start seeing certain situations differently. You become more aware of what you will and won't accept.
Sometimes you even outgrow versions of yourself that you once thought you'd be forever.
Things I'm Learning to Leave Behind
As I get closer to 23, there are a few things I hope I don't carry into another year.
I want to leave behind the habit of comparing my life to everyone else's. I don't want to keep looking at someone else's accomplishments and using them as evidence that I'm not doing enough. I want to be able to celebrate the people I love without quietly wondering when my own life will look like theirs.
I want to stop feeling guilty for not having everything figured out. I want to give myself room to explore, make mistakes, change my mind, and discover things I didn't know I wanted. I don't want to make decisions simply because I feel like I'm running out of time.
I want to stop chasing relationships that leave me questioning where I stand. I want to put more energy into the people who genuinely want to be part of my life, and I want to become better at recognizing when I'm holding onto something simply because I'm afraid to let it change.
I want to stop waiting for the perfect circumstances to start doing things I want to do. I don't want to keep postponing experiences because I don't have someone to go with me, because I don't feel completely confident, or because I think I'll enjoy them more when my life looks a certain way.
And most importantly, I want to stop treating myself like someone who is constantly falling short.
I know I have things to work on. I know there are habits I need to improve and goals I need to take more seriously. But I also know that I deserve to enjoy the person I am while I'm working toward becoming someone different.
I don't want self-improvement to turn into constantly finding reasons why I'm not good enough.
I want to grow because I love the life I'm building, not because I hate the life I have.
What I Hope Twenty-Three Looks Like
I don't have a perfectly detailed plan for 23, and honestly, I don't think I need one.
Of course, there are things I want. I want to keep growing as a writer. I want to work toward the goals I've been thinking about for years. I want to experience new things, visit new places, make memories, and become more independent. I want to build a life that feels like mine instead of constantly measuring it against what I see other people doing.
I want to be more confident in my decisions. I want to trust myself enough to take chances without needing reassurance from everyone around me. I want to become more disciplined, not just when I'm motivated but especially when I'm not.
I want to write more stories. I want to finish projects I've been putting off. I want to stop convincing myself that I need to be completely ready before I put my work into the world. I want to keep creating even when nobody is watching, because I know how much writing means to me.
I want to spend more time with the people who make me feel comfortable being myself. I want friendships that feel mutual, conversations that last longer than a few messages, and memories that I'll still laugh about years from now.
I want to go on little adventures. I want to take myself places, try things I've never tried, and say yes to experiences that make life feel a little bigger. I want more days where I get dressed up for no reason, listen to music in the car, laugh until I can't breathe, and come home feeling like I actually did something with my day.
I want to take better care of myself, too. Not just physically, but emotionally. I want to pay attention to what I need instead of constantly worrying about what everyone else needs from me.
And I want to have fun.
I think that's something I sometimes forget when I'm focused on becoming the person I want to be. Life isn't just a collection of goals to accomplish. I don't want to spend my entire twenty-third year working toward some future version of myself and forget to enjoy being 23.
I want to have stories to tell.
I want to laugh more.
I want to be surprised.
I want to fall in love with new experiences, new places, new ideas, and maybe even new parts of myself.
I don't need every day to be extraordinary. I just want to feel like I'm participating in my own life.
A Little Grace for the Person I'm Becoming
I think if there's one thing I want to remind myself as I get older, it's that I don't have to become a completely different person every time I celebrate another birthday.
There's always this pressure to enter a new year with a new mindset, a new routine, a new set of goals, and a completely refreshed version of yourself. We make lists of everything we're going to change, everything we're going to accomplish, and all the ways we're going to be better.
But what if I don't need to change everything?
What if I can take some of the things I loved about 22 with me? What if I can keep the parts of myself that make me who I am while still working on the things I want to improve?
I don't want to lose my creativity. I don't want to lose how much I care about people. I don't want to stop getting excited about little things or imagining all the possibilities my future could hold. I don't want to become so focused on being an adult that I forget to have fun.
I want to become more confident without becoming less sensitive. I want to become more independent without convincing myself I have to do everything alone. I want to become more disciplined without being so hard on myself that I forget to enjoy the process.
I want to give myself the same patience I would give someone else who was trying to figure out their life.
Because I'm still learning.
I'm still going to make mistakes. I'm still going to have days when I question my decisions. I'm still going to have moments when I feel like everyone else is moving forward and I'm standing still.
But I hope I remember that those feelings don't mean I'm failing.
They mean I'm human.
And I think there's something comforting about knowing that I can enter another year without having every answer. I can be excited about what's ahead while still feeling a little nervous. I can have goals without knowing exactly how I'll reach them. I can be proud of myself and still recognize that I have room to grow.
Maybe that's what getting older is really about.
Not having everything figured out, but becoming a little more comfortable with the fact that you don't.
Here's to Twenty-Three
So, goodbye, 22.
Thank you for the lessons I didn't necessarily ask for. Thank you for the moments that made me happy, the experiences that challenged me, and the situations that forced me to see things differently. Thank you for reminding me that I am capable of more than I sometimes give myself credit for.
I won't pretend that everything went the way I wanted it to. There are still things I wish had happened differently. There are goals I haven't reached and experiences I haven't had. There are moments I wish I could go back and handle another way.
But I'm choosing not to let those things be the only way I remember this year.
I'm proud of the person who made it through all of it. I'm proud of the person who kept trying, kept dreaming, kept writing, and kept figuring things out even when she wasn't sure what she was doing.
And to the version of me who is about to turn 23, I hope you remember that you don't have to rush.
You don't have to have the perfect career, the perfect relationship, the perfect routine, or the perfect plan for your future. You don't have to accomplish everything you imagined by a certain age. You don't have to prove that you're doing well just because another year has passed.
I hope you make memories. I hope you take chances. I hope you keep writing. I hope you meet people who make you feel appreciated. I hope you discover new things about yourself and find the courage to pursue the things you've been dreaming about.
I hope you enjoy the ordinary days just as much as the exciting ones.
And when things don't go according to plan, I hope you remember that your life isn't falling behind just because it's taking a different direction.
Twenty-three is right around the corner.
I may not know exactly what this next year will bring, but maybe that's part of the excitement.
I'm not entering 23 with everything figured out.
I'm entering it with more experience, a little more perspective, a few more lessons, and plenty of things left to discover.
And for now, I think that's enough.
Here's to another year of becoming.
